Hootenanny!

November 26th 2008 – Gun stores in the Southern United States are one of the few market sectors that have not been affected by the impending economic depression. In fact, gun sales have increased as much as 50% in certain states, to the great joy of gun merchants. This is mostly due, we are told on the BBC news service, to the election of Barack Obama.

The second amendment to the United States constitution states that all American citizens have the right to bear arms. To make a long story short, this was originally included to protect the inhabitants of America from Muslim terrorists. Just kidding, citizens were encouraged to keep weapons in an eventual repeat to the American Revolution.

In the late 17^th century, the Americans felt oppressed by their British gouvernment and violently usurped it. To summarize, Americans are always supposed to scrutinize their gouvernment carefully and be able to violently overthrow if they step out of line. Sure it sounds outrageous today but the US constitution is a static document that holds true to tradition, far past what makes it anachronistic or inapplicable in today’s dynamic. Once again in the 1870s, this amendment was greatly useful to Southerners who could easily get their weapons and kill their president (the bearded one who boldly told them they couldn’t have slaves anymore).

Today, the second amendment allows Americans to carry guns and in a few States, to hide them on their person. Furthermore, the term “arms” seems to mean anything that throws a bullet really, REALLY fast. The 50% figure I stated earlier actually applies to the sale of AK-47s (Automatic Russian assault rifles) in Texas in the past few weeks. Some may claim that their guns are for hunting or for personal protection yet all statistics show they are WIDELY more likely to shoot a family member or pet than an intruder or fawn. In fact, the American National Rifle Association is much more straightforward with their justification of massive gun ownership: the constitution says they can so deal with it.

Where does President-elect Obama fit in with all of this? God-fearing southerners are apprehensive that as soon as the Democrats enter office, they will restrain the purchase and ownership of assault rifles. Many bring up that, by their own logic, Americans could purchase and store short-range nuclear missiles and f-16 jet fighters in their chicken coops if the term “arms” is universal. The NRA says that this way of thinking is ridiculous and derogatory yet somehow an Uzi (automatic firearm) and an AK-47 are perfectly normal things for every unbalanced person with a driver’s license to own. Texans and gunowners of the south are seeing the stupidity of this claim without anyone telling them and are running to gun stores as if the red coats were coming.

To a point, I sympathise with these gunowners, some may even call them patriots. These people are the vigilant guards of American democracy who would have never let a president plunge them into an economic nightmare (Hoover and Bush), break electoral law (Nixon), sanction and organise the murder of various world leaders (Reagan) or enter the country into an unjust war against all common sense and international agreements (Bush). I may be being sarcastic but...oh screw it, these patriots will never let a gay sing at the Superbowl halftime show, let Washington outlaw their Malboro fields or let the rest of America elect a Negro. Southern gunowners, TO YOUR LYNCHING TOOLS!

(Note to the American secret service – please note that I have nothing but respect for president-elect Obama, he is a contemporary FDR and Kennedy. I was only demeaning the crazy hillbillies)

(Note to the inhabitants of the Southern Red States – Your traditional and conservative ways are the cornerstone of the American culture. You are much stronger than these democratic pansies and their criticism.)

(Pictured: The American constitution in terrible resolution - A patriot)

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No they can't

November 13th 2008 – The 44th president of the United States of America will be Barack Hussein Obama, an African-American man who seemingly didn’t have a chance in hell in the beginning. 21 months later, not unlike an action movie hero, he has figuratively slain various opponents (John Edwards, Hillary Clinton, Sarah Palin, John McCain, the southern US...) to emerge triumphant of the electoral college. Although the world will praise the Americans for their tolerant foresight and indiscriminate voting, it must be said that President-elect Obama is not without merit. Rarely has a candidate been able to remain eloquent and graceful during an entire campaign without succumbing to negative campaigning, a history of drug use and/or random mistresses. That being said, what can other nations learn from this passionate American experience?

The BBC News Service boldly asks if France would be ready to elect a president of Algerian descent, if the United Kingdom is ready to elect a Prime Minister of Pakistani ancestry or if Germany would elect a Chancellor of Turkish origin. It is a valid question because these countries contain a similar history of colonisation, exploiting minorities and an eventual assimilation of them into their contemporary citizenry as the US has known. The reporter then contacted the foreign minister of France, Bernard Kouchner with this query, understandably expecting a vague answer deflecting the issue. A surprising “non” was thrown at the journalist. The French minister applauds the Americans but affirms that Old Europe, and particularly France, still has a very long road to cross before a non-white President is elected. He calls Obama’s victory inspiring for the French people yet there is too much racism and ethnic repression (privately and publicly) for any of the 3 million Senegalese and Algerian French citizens to accede to any level of government.

As further proof of European backwardness concerning ethnic diversity in their parliaments, the Prime Minister of Italy, Silvio Berlusconi, congratulated Obama last week on his victory by adding: “he is young, fit and has a great suntan”. He subsequently accused world media of being imbeciles when they wouldn’t laugh along with him.

Projecting us into the annals of history, I could definitely mention President Alberto Fujimori who became President of Peru from 1990 to 2000, despite his Japanese ancestry. Unfortunately, it is a quite obscure example and furthermore, his presidency ended in corruption and disgrace so it does not serve my cause very well. No, we will focus on the ancient Roman Empire.

Emperor Trajan (53-117 AD) is recognised for many accomplishments, not the least of which was the maximum extent of the Roman Empire (from Britain to Africa, Portugal to the Middle East). In this universal reign, the Romans were no longer exclusively the denizens of Rome. Being over 7 centuries old, Rome was now its Empire and vice-versa. Peoples had been conquered, colonised or assimilated centuries before and the new generations were de facto, Romans themselves. This universal citizenry was not only wishful theory but an accepted fact. This is how Marcus Ulpius Trajan, born in the Roman province of Hispanica (Modern-day Eastern Spain) became the leader of millions, without ever setting foot in the capital until then.

I will always be the first to call the ancient Romans and Greeks “enlightened” but this gap in time and philosophy is ridiculous. The French foreign minister claims that there are still mentalities to change yet their predecessors had the right idea two millennia ago. Perhaps time is not what Europeans need. Perhaps they either need to stop fostering the racism (officially and by other means) or simply acknowledge it, elect far-right parties and close their borders to immigration.

You are out of time M. Kouchner. It is time for a choice.

Congratulations to America for making yours.

(Pictured: Trajan's column in Rome - President-elect Barack Obama)

End.

Won't get fooled again?

November 2nd 2008 – U.S. Vice-Presidential candidate (Republican), gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska, has been fooled by French Canada. Famous for tricking heads of states and celebrities, the “masked avengers” are a Montreal-based comedy duo that called Mrs. Palin while imitating French president Nicolas Sarkozy. What Palin thought was a private conversation with the leader of France was aired on radio networks in French Canada and undoubtedly in the rest of the world soon enough. Palins’ glaring inexperience shone through once again as she acknowledged Steph Carse as the Prime minister of Canada (he is a country singer from the 90s, Stephen Harper is the current PM) and she subsequently remained befuddled and mute when the comedian evoked further talk of foreign policy. Finally, it could be debated that Mrs. Palin either has a good and trusting heart or else that she is not very smart for not picking up on subtle clues that this was not a head of state. These hints include the comedian saying "I just love killing those animals. Mmm, mmm, take away life, that is so fun," as well as "I'd really love to go [hunting], so long as we don't bring along Vice-President [Dick] Cheney." And finally "You know we have a lot in common also, because ... from my house I can see Belgium."

This week, a short comparison could easily be brought up with the republican presidential candidate in 2000, one George W. Bush. The problem is that for all his stuttering, difficulty pronouncing names and mediatised portrayal as a retarded squirrel, President Bush knew stuff. Sure he would take four or five shots at saying Serbia’s president was Vojislav Koštunica but he could definitely point to Serbia on a map and remembered meeting this individual before during his years of work in Washington. No, a more appropriate historical comparison would include the democratic vice-presidential nominee in the 1984 general elections.

Walter Mondale, Jimmy Carter’s vice-President, won the democratic nomination that year (over Jesse Jackson and John Glenn I might add). He was up against Ronald Reagan and his VP, George H. W. Bush; everyone said the democrats would lose after a long stint at the White House but Mondale wanted to prove them wrong. To win, he thought he would need a stunt, a shocking story, an unavoidable elephant in the room. He chose Geraldine Ferraro as a running mate. Sure she had only been in politics for six years and was an established law enforcement officer (Special Victims Unit) before that, what was important was that she had no external genitalia. They would figuratively put her in a cage, sell tickets and shout “step right up!” At first it worked, human rights groups, women’s associations and everyone that didn’t want to be labelled sexist praised his choice and their polling numbers started rising. Then, people started realising that no matter if the person is a woman, man, latino, dwarf, paraplegic or albino transsexual, they needed to be able to do the job. Pardon my saying so but Geraldine Ferraro and Sarah Palin are not in the running to be the winner of an edgy reality show, they actually have to govern a nation of 300 million as well as the largest economy and armed forces on the planet if they survive tribal council. If this actually was a walk-in interview kind of position, I seriously doubt that the job application would list “must not have a penis” as an important hiring criterion. But I digress... As a result, the Reagan/Bush ticket won in a landslide and Ferraro, the first woman to be on a major party ticket, went down in history as the woman who didn’t know how to campaign, constantly had her foot in her mouth and was generally overwhelmed by the demands of her potential job.

Unfortunately for Mrs. Palin, she will be remembered as the second to fit that description.

Have a good election and remember that it’s not about the issues or the qualifications; it’s about voting for a black guy or a woman.

(Pictured: The Mondale/Ferrero ticket and yes, it was the eighties - Sarah Palin joined by fellow woman, Hillary Clinton)

End.

What if God was one of us?

October 16^th 2008 – A federal US judge has thrown out a case against God brought before him. After much deliberation, it was dismissed in a very rational and judicial manner. Since the defending party being sued (the Almighty) did not have a permanent address, He could not effectively be issued the papers indicting him. In simple terms, the American judicial system has established precedent and confirmed that God is homeless (and presumably a Vietnam War veteran). To offer further content, the case was brought about by Ernie Chambers, the senator of Nebraska, a man who is fed up with fundamentalist Christianity and a man who is disgusted by the ease with which anyone can sue anyone for any reason. He subsequently pulled an incredibly entertaining stunt where he demanded a permanent injunction against God. Using the Christian Bible’s definition of the Big Man (all-knowing and all-powerful) and by using this same Book’s account of His actions (floods, plagues, screwing around with Jonas and Job), Senator Chambers wanted to prevent any further “widespread death, destruction and terrorisation of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants” by God.

I certainly do not want to anger anyone, but I most certainly will in an inadvertent manner because this blog entry relates to faith. Although we count just a few major religions, there are hundreds of different catholic sects alone and therefore at least someone will be offended by every single aspect of someone else’s beliefs (see: medieval religion wars, Spanish Inquisition, Joan of Arc, September 11^th, Crusades, Henry VIII, Thomas Luther, WW2, conflict in Kosovo, Akhenaton, Tom Cruise, Bacchanals, the French Revolution’s Terror period, Mujahedin, campaigns in Gaul, Catharism, civilization or simply the general boredom Vs. bloodlust of mankind throughout history). Although many believe Senator Chambers has wasted everyone’s time, we must agree to his legitimate concerns about the extremist Christian factions of America as well as the omnipresent threat of a crushing American legal system.

Firstly, most Christians believe God to be an entity that looks like us (complete with beard and sandals), a few differences being the incredible power, knowledge and benevolence he subtly reveals to us. Secondly, they believe that the Bible has been written by God himself through his useful and versatile prophets, apostles and disciples. Thirdly, the American judicial system is not only based on an intricately worded corpus of legality, but also on a system of legal precedent whereas any legal decision can then be used as a judicial argument in later trials. By combining these three principles we can deduce a few things from the senator’s lawsuit.

Since God is a person and not a figurative model of existence, and that he murdered millions of peoples (and admitted to it without the slightest regret), He must not only be stopped from doing this again but must be imprisoned for humanity to have a chance at survival (He even tells us about how he will murder most of us in the Book of Revelations). Also, we can now bring fictional characters to court if enough people believe that they are real.

Finally, it is a real shame that God is homeless but I can’t be that surprised. As I alluded to above, America treats its heroes and ideal patriots worst than they do popstars; up to 25% of the homeless in the USA are veterans from the Gulf, Vietnam or Korean Wars. They are disposable thrills that end up in a gutter, used, violated and although people will keep selfishly referring to them with boastful pride, God and the Veteran will rot on the streets of America. This lawsuit opens the door to perhaps more urgent questions about the state of civilisation in the United States today.

(Pictured: God (right) again advertising naughtyness - Gary Sinise as Colonel Dan in Forrest Gump shares a dirty cardboard 2-and-a-half with God)

End.

A convertible, a hot young mistress and a hot-air balloon

October 2nd, 2008 – A plane wreck has been discovered in the California Rockies. It is now confirmed that it was Steve Fossett’s plane, which disappeared over a year ago. An eccentric millionaire, Fossett was renowned for his death-defying stunts until it got the best of him in September 2007. He personally owned 100 world records including the first person to go solo around the world in an air-balloon. His last flight was performed solo in a small aircraft that was possibly swept up by a storm and smashed into the Rockies. Some people donate to charity and other go “Look what I can do!”.

Across the pacific, there is another eccentric man with too much money who loves to show off in the limelight. Richard Branson owns over 350 companies under his “Virgin” brand; it won’t stop him from risking his life in a hot air balloon (what is the deal with millionaires and balloons? A Phileas Fogg complex perhaps?). It is greatly surprising that he is still alive seeing that his own world record attempts such as the fastest crossing of the Atlantic and the circumnavigation of the globe by hot air balloon have been terribly unsuccessful. To be fair, Branson helped end South African apartheid along with Nelson Mandela and hosts a variety of environmental galas. Also to be fair, he is clearly a little bit bonkers in the head.

These two magnates have revitalized and even revolutionized economic sectors in the western world yet insist on nearly killing themselves for kicks. Is it simply because their life is not thrilling enough? Is it because they are constantly famished for fame? Is it because if YOU had a mid-life crisis and had a billion dollars in the bank, you would too? Is it because they are compensating for something..? All I know is that today, Steve Fossett is not a business man or a world record holder, he is a bag of spare parts strewn across Californian mountains that left a family in mourning to get his rocks off.

My point was short and sweet so I treat you to two more historical examples of money buying a nice sack of crazy instead of happiness.

The American Howard Hughes Jr. was a well-known industrialist in the early twentieth century. He also produced films, greatly advanced aeronautics technology and graciously funded humanitarian organisms. Then the mid-life crisis reared its ugly, crazy head. He became addicted to morphine, severely germophobic, a paranoid recluse and it has been said that his massive cash dealings with the Nixon family led to the Watergate scandal. In his home, he had his hair cut and nails trimmed once a year, surrounded himself with medical specialists and invited scores of Mormons to keep him company (even though he wasn’t one; he just had the feeling he could trust them). Most of this resulted from his numerous record attempts that often ended with a fiery wreck and a damaged Hughes. Today, we remember Mr. Burns’ portrayal of a crazy old man with Kleenex-box shoes in the Simpsons, not the philanthropist and visionary businessman.

Finally, taking a trip to ancient Rome, you may not be surprised that our last example is a Roman emperor. Although Nero and Caligula were notoriously unstable, Emperor Commodus better serves my point. Better known as Joachim Phoenix from Ridley Scott’s “Gladiator”, Commodus was the son of Marcus Aurelius and inherited a declining and severely threatened Empire. Nevertheless, this made him one of the richest men in the world and therefore a responsible and civically minded administrator…maybe not. He simply didn’t care for military life and instead, dedicated his reign to personally fighting in the Roman Coliseum. That’s right, chariot races, archery and gladiatorial combat; Commodus loved the crowd and certainly loved the figurative shooting of fish in a barrel. He particularly enjoyed slaying animals; he slaughtered, beheaded or impaled hundreds of lions, tigers, ostriches and elephants. He did not die in the Stadium yet we remember him as a creepy and unbalanced leader who permitted the downfall of Rome through Pride and Selfishness.

Two things to remember: people remember your death much more than your life, and money buys crazy.

(Pictured: Jules Verne's "around the World in 80 Days": source of rich-balloon fetish - What was found of Fossett and his plane.)

End.