Crazy Clintons

June 7th 2008 – Hillary Clinton will announce today the formal end of her 16 month campaign for the American Presidency. This leaves but one candidate for the Democratic Party nomination, Mr. Barack Obama to whom Mrs. Clinton should reluctantly offer her support. This concession finally concludes an unthinkably long and exciting race to the Democratic Nomination. We almost forgot that the bi-party race for President of the United States hasn’t begun yet. Without wanting to be racist or ageist, I must state the simple fact that the imminent 2008 elections will boil down to voting for a black man or a very old man. You would think ideas, campaign platforms or visions for the future will be important to the average American elector yet we all know the blue states will vote blue and the red states will vote red. The few swing states that actually matter will be swayed into either camp simply by how aggressive and poignant the negative campaigning will be. I strongly believe that Obama has an advantage and will win the race because it will be terribly difficult for McCain to subtly capitalize on his opponent’s blackness.

That being said, this blog entry is actually a salute to Hillary Clinton and to women everywhere who know there is nothing wrong with being a bitch. Barack Obama presumptively won the Democratic nomination weeks ago but confirmed his win on Tuesday by gaining over half of the total amount of possible votes. This simply means that, try as she might, there was no longer any possibility of her winning. Did that stop her? NOooooo, she was angry, disappointed and sad therefore she didn’t concede. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, over 80 hours since everyone knows it’s over and she still doesn’t give up and even encourages her supporters to donate more money to her campaign. Yes, it is shredding apart the Democratic Party, it is decimating the small amount of public interest left in this election year before it actually begins, it makes the United States appear divided and weak to the eyes of the world yet she is exercising her God-given right to be a bitch and no one can fault her for that. Some people say that she is vying for a Vice-Presidential slot but I believe it is a bit early to give any rational explanation to her behaviour. She has the right to be a bitch just as Obama has the right to humiliate his former-opponent when he announces his Vice-President: Mr. or Mrs. Anyone but Hillary.

It was an exciting race, for the Democrats that is, and now that it is over, many political analysts are drawing parallels between other great electoral clashes in American History. For your reading pleasure, here is a short list of equally enticing historical campaign battles from around the world.

1) 2004, Presidential elections of Ukraine between the incumbent Prime Minister Viktor Yanukovych (Pro-Russia) and opposition leader Viktor Yushchenko (Pro-West). This election, dubbed the Orange Revolution, took several months to conclude amongst accusations of vote rigging, recount upon recount and several assassination attempts. The result was a new Ukraine under Yushchenko (who is still president) turned away from Moscow and towards the future.
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2) 2000, Presidential election of the USA between Republican candidate George W. Bush and Democratic candidate/incumbent Vice-President/Swell guy Al Gore. The campaign itself was uneventful; it was a former VP that operated in the tarnished shadow of Bill Clinton for 8 years and an admitted alcoholic whose dad was once president. The fun began in the three months of recounts and Supreme Court rulings that followed one of the closest electoral results in US history. In the end, Al Gore won the election with 50,999,897 votes against Bush’s 50,456,002 votes. Unfortunately, it is at this point that the world was told the USA existed in a parallel, electoral-bizarro universe where Bush won anyway.
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3) 1960, Presidential election of the USA between Republican candidate/incumbent Vice-President Richard M. Nixon and Democratic candidate/Playboy John F. Kennedy. This is actually the closest vote is America’s electoral history: 34,220,984 for Kennedy Vs. 34,108,157 for Nixon. It was an exciting race (with persistent rumours of vote theft) between these epic characters who fought about winning the Cold War, winning the Space Race, desegregating America and keeping those Germans down. This is in violent contrast with today’s preoccupation of Wheat producer’s subsidies, endless education reforms and ‘going green’. Although JFK won, both candidates went on to become some of the most notorious American Presidents in History.

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4) 1933, German election for Chancellor between the National Socialists (Hitler’s Nazi Party) and the other parties (Franz von Papen). Von Papen had been Chancellor for many years during the economic downfall of the country (1929-1933) and his failure to cope with the consequences of depression led the German people to vote for people who could (to be fair, the Nazis quickly solved the economic problems of Depression, once in power). Thus, the relatively close elections of 1928 and 1932 preceded a landslide in 1933: Hitler was made chancellor and his party (NSDAP) won 43.9% of the votes while the second closest, the Socialists (SPD), won only 18.3%. Further proof of these extreme choices resides in the third strongest party during these elections, the Communist KPD with 12.3% of the vote. Although the rise of the Nazis had been foreseen for a long time, 1933 marks the beginning of our apocalypse that was 1939-1945.
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5) 1519, Imperial election of the Holy Roman Empire (Germanic) between Spanish/Austrian/Dutch King Charles Vth and French King Francis Ist. These men of legendary egos (without forgetting their contemporary British King, Henry VIIIth) battled for this throne that was to be decided by a vote of nobles. Although the title does not give any real power (Germany being 1000 different Kingdoms, principalities and republics at this point, each with different laws), it was a way of ‘one-upping’ each other between the rich monarchs of Europe. The new emperor was crowned by the Pope and with Charles Vth’s easy win; he effectively surrounded his perpetual enemy, the French.

I could probably write a book on interesting elections from around the world and throughout time yet for now, these are the five elections that strike me as immediately fascinating. I am no fool and I know fully well that the impending elections between Obama and McCain will never shoulder these historic events yet I must thank Hillary Clinton for the eclectic spice she added to what would have otherwise been a generally dull process.

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(Pictured: A 1932 Nazi campaign poster demanding Freedom 'Freiheit' and bread 'Brot' - Crazy Clinton - possibly the first American President to be so skinny.)

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