Hitler was also a swell guy!

December 29th, 2008 – A Russian television station held a month-long poll to determine who the greatest Russians were, as seen by the people. Close to 5 million votes propelled Alexander Nevsky at the very top of the 12 place chart. The Western World does not know much about Saint Alexander; simply put, he defended the Russian territory from invading Germanic and Mongol armies during the thirteenth century. He was a great man of the people and a paragon of Christianity. Second on the list is another relative mystery for the rest of the world, Prime Minister Pyotr Stolypin. In office for a short period before the communist revolution (1906-1911), he is remembered for his vastly successful reforms in agriculture as well as his clever and brutal repression of revolutionaries. Once again, he is a valued man of the people and a symbol of stability. Further down on the list are the writers Pushkin (4th) and Dostoyevsky (7th), Revolutionary Lenin (6th) and a few of Russia’s most provocative and reformist politicians such as Peter the Great (5th), Ivan the Terrible (10th) and Catherine II the Great (11th).

Here is normally the part where I criticise and analyse the choices of the Russian people. Specifically, I would comment on the questionable prioritisation and incomplete public memory of these larger-than-life figures with my western glasses of capitalism, consumerism and greed. This would surely provoke Russians into brushing off my comments as random hatred by someone who knows nothing of Russian culture. It could also convince my western readers that I have no right to criticise the memory of History as seen by a different culture than mine. I would then promptly state that they are both wrong and that it is both my business and my duty to criticise the third rank on this TV poll, with 519,000 votes: Josef Vissarionovich Stalin.

Firstly, Stalin was not Russian; he was Georgian so I think it should disqualify him immediately. Secondly, Stalin is very much a part of world history and I have studied him through the goggles of the Russian revolutions, his reforms of the twenties and thirties, World War 2, his interaction with the Russian people, his command of the Red Army and his short-lived political legacy; I thus propose that the scope of Stalin’s actions goes well beyond Russia. Finally, when his successor Nikita Khrushchev renounced Stalin and all his accomplishments in 1956, it was not out of political gain but out of pure hatred for a man who is a stain on Russia, Georgia, Europe and the whole of Human history.

Let me expose some of the exploits of the great comrade Stalin. Immediately at Lenin’s death in 1924, he began his first of many political purges that saw the execution of many and notably the expulsion of Leon Trotsky, co-instigator of the Revolution. The Russians had just begun to elaborate their communist, egalitarian Utopia when Stalin decided this would be a secret dictatorship based on propaganda and the enrichment of himself and his friends. In the late 1920s and 1930s, Stalin forced the collectivisation of farming and agriculture. More than the immediate displacement and deportation of millions from Ukraine to Siberia, this policy resulted in the deaths of over 6 million of his own people from famine. Also around this time, Stalin was not satisfied by his initial political purge and therefore sent over 2 million political dissidents and counter-revolutionaries (these accusations were exclusively decided by Stalin) to Siberian work camps (gulags) and to the gallows for execution.

We will now transition into his greatest achievement, the repelling of the Nazi army and their ultimate victory during World War II. I can accept that some less educated or attentive Russians would think he was a notable character for this accomplishment but they must have stopped reading or listening right after ‘Stalin was the leader of the USSR during Berlin’s defeat in 1945…’. I think they would be quite surprised if they read on. Notably in Stalingrad, Stalin held back the Nazis with a pretty simple solution: if I send hundreds of thousands of hungry and mal-equipped soldiers towards the German bullets and tanks, they will eventually run out of ammo and will find it difficult to manoeuvre atop mountains of Russian corpses. The life expectancy for a Red soldier here was less than a day but there were plenty more where that came from. Stalin ordered the execution of 500,000 Prisoners of War (another courageous and moral policy) but in a way, he ordered over 20 million of his people to their deaths by arbitrarily throwing them at the German war machine for three years.

Quick math will let us bedevil the Nazis for the extermination of 6 million Jews, homosexuals and gypsies yet somehow Stalin gets a post-mortem crown of laurels for…I don’t know what exactly. Directly and indirectly responsible for the death of over 30 million of his own people, the Russians must be masochistic in their remembrance of history and their cultural heritage. Thankfully some hosts from the TV station in question pleaded for people to vote for others because Stalin was at the top of this chart ‘the Greatest Russian in history’ up until last week.

Next week, Nixon becomes America’s greatest president and the ultimate Frenchman in history will be the Marquis de Sade.

(Pictured: A mugshot from Stalin's youth; maybe people thought the award was for best mustache - These two were conspicuously missing from the poll)


End.

More than just a salad

December 13th, 2008 – The inhabitants of Greece enter their seventh day of agitated protest. It was fomented by the killing (accidental we assume) of a young teenager by policemen last week. Everything points to a gouvernmental cover-up and to the officers being acquitted very soon therefore the victim’s family, their friends, their friends’ cousins and by extension the majority of the Greek people have gone ballistic. They have called for the immediate fall of the current parliament in Athens to replace this seemingly corrupt and uncaring administration yet Prime Minister Kostas Karamanlis refuses to step down and trigger a fresh round of elections. Needless to say, the Greek capital is falling prey to rioting and massive vandalism. Furthermore, the police forces that are supposed to re-establish the peace are being directly targeted by the projectiles and bombs of the population. One could possibly call this civil unrest and frustration (as Karamanlis did) yet I am willing to side with the protestors and call it a revolution against a corrupt government.

Of course, being a historian, I am constantly terrified by earthquakes, fires and civil unrest that encroach on the priceless heritage of Greek history. Yet this time, it must be said that the people of today outweigh the concerns of the past. They would know, this is not the first time that the administrators of Greece go too far and are slaughtered in a legendary demonstration of violent revolution and nationalism.

Greek patriots declared independence in 1821 and had to fight with everything they had for eight years before they could accede to their sovereignty from the Ottoman (Turkish) Empire. Vastly outnumbered, Greek volunteers had to take city by city back as the massive Ottoman reach could feed legion after legion of forced volunteers from Turkey, Egypt, Syria, Bulgaria… Somehow, through sheer determination to be free or die fighting, Greece was the first nation to break away from European empires and monarchy in the XIXth century. Although this was not the first time that an insurmountable hoard of foreign invaders aimed to subdue the Greek people.

In 480 BC, organised civilisation was blossoming and Greece was ancient. Although not a unified state, the various Greek cities that dotted the mainland as well as the littoral of the Mediterranean sea had a certain solidarity referred to as panhellenism. Athens, Thebes, Syracuse, Sparta, Corinth, Massalia and many others fought bloody wars against one another, often for economic superiority over the rest. One day, the Eastern world awoke and the Persian Empire threatened the panhellenic way of life and strictly regulated way of fighting. It was not perfect, but a tacit alliance held together the city states, offering a unified front against the millions of invading barbarians (the number may have been slightly exaggerated by Herodotus). But not really. Athens wanted Sparta to come defend Athens but the Spartans wanted to be stubborn so they just stayed home and waited to see how things would play out. Of course, the Athenians theorised more than they actually fought so they and their pathetic attempt at naval warfare were wiped out immediately, which brings us down to the Peloponnesian peninsula and to its timeless capital, Sparta. King Leonidas and 10,000 men under him confronted the Persian army (anywhere between 100,000 and 2 million) at Thermopylae. Unfortunately, the fairy tale endurance of the Greek people ends here because they succumbed quickly to the invading Persians (7 days) and the importance of their stand has been greatly exaggerated in recent history. They were simply a hiccup in King Xerxes’ invasion.

There is no great moral of the story here, except maybe “don’t piss off the Greeks; you wouldn’t like the Greeks when they’re angry”. They make the Rodney King affair and LA riots look like a vigorous backrub by comparison.

(Pictured: idealised version of the battle of Thermopylae - The Athens riot police have their hands full...so to speak)

End.

Hootenanny!

November 26th 2008 – Gun stores in the Southern United States are one of the few market sectors that have not been affected by the impending economic depression. In fact, gun sales have increased as much as 50% in certain states, to the great joy of gun merchants. This is mostly due, we are told on the BBC news service, to the election of Barack Obama.

The second amendment to the United States constitution states that all American citizens have the right to bear arms. To make a long story short, this was originally included to protect the inhabitants of America from Muslim terrorists. Just kidding, citizens were encouraged to keep weapons in an eventual repeat to the American Revolution.

In the late 17^th century, the Americans felt oppressed by their British gouvernment and violently usurped it. To summarize, Americans are always supposed to scrutinize their gouvernment carefully and be able to violently overthrow if they step out of line. Sure it sounds outrageous today but the US constitution is a static document that holds true to tradition, far past what makes it anachronistic or inapplicable in today’s dynamic. Once again in the 1870s, this amendment was greatly useful to Southerners who could easily get their weapons and kill their president (the bearded one who boldly told them they couldn’t have slaves anymore).

Today, the second amendment allows Americans to carry guns and in a few States, to hide them on their person. Furthermore, the term “arms” seems to mean anything that throws a bullet really, REALLY fast. The 50% figure I stated earlier actually applies to the sale of AK-47s (Automatic Russian assault rifles) in Texas in the past few weeks. Some may claim that their guns are for hunting or for personal protection yet all statistics show they are WIDELY more likely to shoot a family member or pet than an intruder or fawn. In fact, the American National Rifle Association is much more straightforward with their justification of massive gun ownership: the constitution says they can so deal with it.

Where does President-elect Obama fit in with all of this? God-fearing southerners are apprehensive that as soon as the Democrats enter office, they will restrain the purchase and ownership of assault rifles. Many bring up that, by their own logic, Americans could purchase and store short-range nuclear missiles and f-16 jet fighters in their chicken coops if the term “arms” is universal. The NRA says that this way of thinking is ridiculous and derogatory yet somehow an Uzi (automatic firearm) and an AK-47 are perfectly normal things for every unbalanced person with a driver’s license to own. Texans and gunowners of the south are seeing the stupidity of this claim without anyone telling them and are running to gun stores as if the red coats were coming.

To a point, I sympathise with these gunowners, some may even call them patriots. These people are the vigilant guards of American democracy who would have never let a president plunge them into an economic nightmare (Hoover and Bush), break electoral law (Nixon), sanction and organise the murder of various world leaders (Reagan) or enter the country into an unjust war against all common sense and international agreements (Bush). I may be being sarcastic but...oh screw it, these patriots will never let a gay sing at the Superbowl halftime show, let Washington outlaw their Malboro fields or let the rest of America elect a Negro. Southern gunowners, TO YOUR LYNCHING TOOLS!

(Note to the American secret service – please note that I have nothing but respect for president-elect Obama, he is a contemporary FDR and Kennedy. I was only demeaning the crazy hillbillies)

(Note to the inhabitants of the Southern Red States – Your traditional and conservative ways are the cornerstone of the American culture. You are much stronger than these democratic pansies and their criticism.)

(Pictured: The American constitution in terrible resolution - A patriot)

End.

No they can't

November 13th 2008 – The 44th president of the United States of America will be Barack Hussein Obama, an African-American man who seemingly didn’t have a chance in hell in the beginning. 21 months later, not unlike an action movie hero, he has figuratively slain various opponents (John Edwards, Hillary Clinton, Sarah Palin, John McCain, the southern US...) to emerge triumphant of the electoral college. Although the world will praise the Americans for their tolerant foresight and indiscriminate voting, it must be said that President-elect Obama is not without merit. Rarely has a candidate been able to remain eloquent and graceful during an entire campaign without succumbing to negative campaigning, a history of drug use and/or random mistresses. That being said, what can other nations learn from this passionate American experience?

The BBC News Service boldly asks if France would be ready to elect a president of Algerian descent, if the United Kingdom is ready to elect a Prime Minister of Pakistani ancestry or if Germany would elect a Chancellor of Turkish origin. It is a valid question because these countries contain a similar history of colonisation, exploiting minorities and an eventual assimilation of them into their contemporary citizenry as the US has known. The reporter then contacted the foreign minister of France, Bernard Kouchner with this query, understandably expecting a vague answer deflecting the issue. A surprising “non” was thrown at the journalist. The French minister applauds the Americans but affirms that Old Europe, and particularly France, still has a very long road to cross before a non-white President is elected. He calls Obama’s victory inspiring for the French people yet there is too much racism and ethnic repression (privately and publicly) for any of the 3 million Senegalese and Algerian French citizens to accede to any level of government.

As further proof of European backwardness concerning ethnic diversity in their parliaments, the Prime Minister of Italy, Silvio Berlusconi, congratulated Obama last week on his victory by adding: “he is young, fit and has a great suntan”. He subsequently accused world media of being imbeciles when they wouldn’t laugh along with him.

Projecting us into the annals of history, I could definitely mention President Alberto Fujimori who became President of Peru from 1990 to 2000, despite his Japanese ancestry. Unfortunately, it is a quite obscure example and furthermore, his presidency ended in corruption and disgrace so it does not serve my cause very well. No, we will focus on the ancient Roman Empire.

Emperor Trajan (53-117 AD) is recognised for many accomplishments, not the least of which was the maximum extent of the Roman Empire (from Britain to Africa, Portugal to the Middle East). In this universal reign, the Romans were no longer exclusively the denizens of Rome. Being over 7 centuries old, Rome was now its Empire and vice-versa. Peoples had been conquered, colonised or assimilated centuries before and the new generations were de facto, Romans themselves. This universal citizenry was not only wishful theory but an accepted fact. This is how Marcus Ulpius Trajan, born in the Roman province of Hispanica (Modern-day Eastern Spain) became the leader of millions, without ever setting foot in the capital until then.

I will always be the first to call the ancient Romans and Greeks “enlightened” but this gap in time and philosophy is ridiculous. The French foreign minister claims that there are still mentalities to change yet their predecessors had the right idea two millennia ago. Perhaps time is not what Europeans need. Perhaps they either need to stop fostering the racism (officially and by other means) or simply acknowledge it, elect far-right parties and close their borders to immigration.

You are out of time M. Kouchner. It is time for a choice.

Congratulations to America for making yours.

(Pictured: Trajan's column in Rome - President-elect Barack Obama)

End.

Won't get fooled again?

November 2nd 2008 – U.S. Vice-Presidential candidate (Republican), gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska, has been fooled by French Canada. Famous for tricking heads of states and celebrities, the “masked avengers” are a Montreal-based comedy duo that called Mrs. Palin while imitating French president Nicolas Sarkozy. What Palin thought was a private conversation with the leader of France was aired on radio networks in French Canada and undoubtedly in the rest of the world soon enough. Palins’ glaring inexperience shone through once again as she acknowledged Steph Carse as the Prime minister of Canada (he is a country singer from the 90s, Stephen Harper is the current PM) and she subsequently remained befuddled and mute when the comedian evoked further talk of foreign policy. Finally, it could be debated that Mrs. Palin either has a good and trusting heart or else that she is not very smart for not picking up on subtle clues that this was not a head of state. These hints include the comedian saying "I just love killing those animals. Mmm, mmm, take away life, that is so fun," as well as "I'd really love to go [hunting], so long as we don't bring along Vice-President [Dick] Cheney." And finally "You know we have a lot in common also, because ... from my house I can see Belgium."

This week, a short comparison could easily be brought up with the republican presidential candidate in 2000, one George W. Bush. The problem is that for all his stuttering, difficulty pronouncing names and mediatised portrayal as a retarded squirrel, President Bush knew stuff. Sure he would take four or five shots at saying Serbia’s president was Vojislav Koštunica but he could definitely point to Serbia on a map and remembered meeting this individual before during his years of work in Washington. No, a more appropriate historical comparison would include the democratic vice-presidential nominee in the 1984 general elections.

Walter Mondale, Jimmy Carter’s vice-President, won the democratic nomination that year (over Jesse Jackson and John Glenn I might add). He was up against Ronald Reagan and his VP, George H. W. Bush; everyone said the democrats would lose after a long stint at the White House but Mondale wanted to prove them wrong. To win, he thought he would need a stunt, a shocking story, an unavoidable elephant in the room. He chose Geraldine Ferraro as a running mate. Sure she had only been in politics for six years and was an established law enforcement officer (Special Victims Unit) before that, what was important was that she had no external genitalia. They would figuratively put her in a cage, sell tickets and shout “step right up!” At first it worked, human rights groups, women’s associations and everyone that didn’t want to be labelled sexist praised his choice and their polling numbers started rising. Then, people started realising that no matter if the person is a woman, man, latino, dwarf, paraplegic or albino transsexual, they needed to be able to do the job. Pardon my saying so but Geraldine Ferraro and Sarah Palin are not in the running to be the winner of an edgy reality show, they actually have to govern a nation of 300 million as well as the largest economy and armed forces on the planet if they survive tribal council. If this actually was a walk-in interview kind of position, I seriously doubt that the job application would list “must not have a penis” as an important hiring criterion. But I digress... As a result, the Reagan/Bush ticket won in a landslide and Ferraro, the first woman to be on a major party ticket, went down in history as the woman who didn’t know how to campaign, constantly had her foot in her mouth and was generally overwhelmed by the demands of her potential job.

Unfortunately for Mrs. Palin, she will be remembered as the second to fit that description.

Have a good election and remember that it’s not about the issues or the qualifications; it’s about voting for a black guy or a woman.

(Pictured: The Mondale/Ferrero ticket and yes, it was the eighties - Sarah Palin joined by fellow woman, Hillary Clinton)

End.

What if God was one of us?

October 16^th 2008 – A federal US judge has thrown out a case against God brought before him. After much deliberation, it was dismissed in a very rational and judicial manner. Since the defending party being sued (the Almighty) did not have a permanent address, He could not effectively be issued the papers indicting him. In simple terms, the American judicial system has established precedent and confirmed that God is homeless (and presumably a Vietnam War veteran). To offer further content, the case was brought about by Ernie Chambers, the senator of Nebraska, a man who is fed up with fundamentalist Christianity and a man who is disgusted by the ease with which anyone can sue anyone for any reason. He subsequently pulled an incredibly entertaining stunt where he demanded a permanent injunction against God. Using the Christian Bible’s definition of the Big Man (all-knowing and all-powerful) and by using this same Book’s account of His actions (floods, plagues, screwing around with Jonas and Job), Senator Chambers wanted to prevent any further “widespread death, destruction and terrorisation of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants” by God.

I certainly do not want to anger anyone, but I most certainly will in an inadvertent manner because this blog entry relates to faith. Although we count just a few major religions, there are hundreds of different catholic sects alone and therefore at least someone will be offended by every single aspect of someone else’s beliefs (see: medieval religion wars, Spanish Inquisition, Joan of Arc, September 11^th, Crusades, Henry VIII, Thomas Luther, WW2, conflict in Kosovo, Akhenaton, Tom Cruise, Bacchanals, the French Revolution’s Terror period, Mujahedin, campaigns in Gaul, Catharism, civilization or simply the general boredom Vs. bloodlust of mankind throughout history). Although many believe Senator Chambers has wasted everyone’s time, we must agree to his legitimate concerns about the extremist Christian factions of America as well as the omnipresent threat of a crushing American legal system.

Firstly, most Christians believe God to be an entity that looks like us (complete with beard and sandals), a few differences being the incredible power, knowledge and benevolence he subtly reveals to us. Secondly, they believe that the Bible has been written by God himself through his useful and versatile prophets, apostles and disciples. Thirdly, the American judicial system is not only based on an intricately worded corpus of legality, but also on a system of legal precedent whereas any legal decision can then be used as a judicial argument in later trials. By combining these three principles we can deduce a few things from the senator’s lawsuit.

Since God is a person and not a figurative model of existence, and that he murdered millions of peoples (and admitted to it without the slightest regret), He must not only be stopped from doing this again but must be imprisoned for humanity to have a chance at survival (He even tells us about how he will murder most of us in the Book of Revelations). Also, we can now bring fictional characters to court if enough people believe that they are real.

Finally, it is a real shame that God is homeless but I can’t be that surprised. As I alluded to above, America treats its heroes and ideal patriots worst than they do popstars; up to 25% of the homeless in the USA are veterans from the Gulf, Vietnam or Korean Wars. They are disposable thrills that end up in a gutter, used, violated and although people will keep selfishly referring to them with boastful pride, God and the Veteran will rot on the streets of America. This lawsuit opens the door to perhaps more urgent questions about the state of civilisation in the United States today.

(Pictured: God (right) again advertising naughtyness - Gary Sinise as Colonel Dan in Forrest Gump shares a dirty cardboard 2-and-a-half with God)

End.