What if God was one of us?

October 16^th 2008 – A federal US judge has thrown out a case against God brought before him. After much deliberation, it was dismissed in a very rational and judicial manner. Since the defending party being sued (the Almighty) did not have a permanent address, He could not effectively be issued the papers indicting him. In simple terms, the American judicial system has established precedent and confirmed that God is homeless (and presumably a Vietnam War veteran). To offer further content, the case was brought about by Ernie Chambers, the senator of Nebraska, a man who is fed up with fundamentalist Christianity and a man who is disgusted by the ease with which anyone can sue anyone for any reason. He subsequently pulled an incredibly entertaining stunt where he demanded a permanent injunction against God. Using the Christian Bible’s definition of the Big Man (all-knowing and all-powerful) and by using this same Book’s account of His actions (floods, plagues, screwing around with Jonas and Job), Senator Chambers wanted to prevent any further “widespread death, destruction and terrorisation of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants” by God.

I certainly do not want to anger anyone, but I most certainly will in an inadvertent manner because this blog entry relates to faith. Although we count just a few major religions, there are hundreds of different catholic sects alone and therefore at least someone will be offended by every single aspect of someone else’s beliefs (see: medieval religion wars, Spanish Inquisition, Joan of Arc, September 11^th, Crusades, Henry VIII, Thomas Luther, WW2, conflict in Kosovo, Akhenaton, Tom Cruise, Bacchanals, the French Revolution’s Terror period, Mujahedin, campaigns in Gaul, Catharism, civilization or simply the general boredom Vs. bloodlust of mankind throughout history). Although many believe Senator Chambers has wasted everyone’s time, we must agree to his legitimate concerns about the extremist Christian factions of America as well as the omnipresent threat of a crushing American legal system.

Firstly, most Christians believe God to be an entity that looks like us (complete with beard and sandals), a few differences being the incredible power, knowledge and benevolence he subtly reveals to us. Secondly, they believe that the Bible has been written by God himself through his useful and versatile prophets, apostles and disciples. Thirdly, the American judicial system is not only based on an intricately worded corpus of legality, but also on a system of legal precedent whereas any legal decision can then be used as a judicial argument in later trials. By combining these three principles we can deduce a few things from the senator’s lawsuit.

Since God is a person and not a figurative model of existence, and that he murdered millions of peoples (and admitted to it without the slightest regret), He must not only be stopped from doing this again but must be imprisoned for humanity to have a chance at survival (He even tells us about how he will murder most of us in the Book of Revelations). Also, we can now bring fictional characters to court if enough people believe that they are real.

Finally, it is a real shame that God is homeless but I can’t be that surprised. As I alluded to above, America treats its heroes and ideal patriots worst than they do popstars; up to 25% of the homeless in the USA are veterans from the Gulf, Vietnam or Korean Wars. They are disposable thrills that end up in a gutter, used, violated and although people will keep selfishly referring to them with boastful pride, God and the Veteran will rot on the streets of America. This lawsuit opens the door to perhaps more urgent questions about the state of civilisation in the United States today.

(Pictured: God (right) again advertising naughtyness - Gary Sinise as Colonel Dan in Forrest Gump shares a dirty cardboard 2-and-a-half with God)

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A convertible, a hot young mistress and a hot-air balloon

October 2nd, 2008 – A plane wreck has been discovered in the California Rockies. It is now confirmed that it was Steve Fossett’s plane, which disappeared over a year ago. An eccentric millionaire, Fossett was renowned for his death-defying stunts until it got the best of him in September 2007. He personally owned 100 world records including the first person to go solo around the world in an air-balloon. His last flight was performed solo in a small aircraft that was possibly swept up by a storm and smashed into the Rockies. Some people donate to charity and other go “Look what I can do!”.

Across the pacific, there is another eccentric man with too much money who loves to show off in the limelight. Richard Branson owns over 350 companies under his “Virgin” brand; it won’t stop him from risking his life in a hot air balloon (what is the deal with millionaires and balloons? A Phileas Fogg complex perhaps?). It is greatly surprising that he is still alive seeing that his own world record attempts such as the fastest crossing of the Atlantic and the circumnavigation of the globe by hot air balloon have been terribly unsuccessful. To be fair, Branson helped end South African apartheid along with Nelson Mandela and hosts a variety of environmental galas. Also to be fair, he is clearly a little bit bonkers in the head.

These two magnates have revitalized and even revolutionized economic sectors in the western world yet insist on nearly killing themselves for kicks. Is it simply because their life is not thrilling enough? Is it because they are constantly famished for fame? Is it because if YOU had a mid-life crisis and had a billion dollars in the bank, you would too? Is it because they are compensating for something..? All I know is that today, Steve Fossett is not a business man or a world record holder, he is a bag of spare parts strewn across Californian mountains that left a family in mourning to get his rocks off.

My point was short and sweet so I treat you to two more historical examples of money buying a nice sack of crazy instead of happiness.

The American Howard Hughes Jr. was a well-known industrialist in the early twentieth century. He also produced films, greatly advanced aeronautics technology and graciously funded humanitarian organisms. Then the mid-life crisis reared its ugly, crazy head. He became addicted to morphine, severely germophobic, a paranoid recluse and it has been said that his massive cash dealings with the Nixon family led to the Watergate scandal. In his home, he had his hair cut and nails trimmed once a year, surrounded himself with medical specialists and invited scores of Mormons to keep him company (even though he wasn’t one; he just had the feeling he could trust them). Most of this resulted from his numerous record attempts that often ended with a fiery wreck and a damaged Hughes. Today, we remember Mr. Burns’ portrayal of a crazy old man with Kleenex-box shoes in the Simpsons, not the philanthropist and visionary businessman.

Finally, taking a trip to ancient Rome, you may not be surprised that our last example is a Roman emperor. Although Nero and Caligula were notoriously unstable, Emperor Commodus better serves my point. Better known as Joachim Phoenix from Ridley Scott’s “Gladiator”, Commodus was the son of Marcus Aurelius and inherited a declining and severely threatened Empire. Nevertheless, this made him one of the richest men in the world and therefore a responsible and civically minded administrator…maybe not. He simply didn’t care for military life and instead, dedicated his reign to personally fighting in the Roman Coliseum. That’s right, chariot races, archery and gladiatorial combat; Commodus loved the crowd and certainly loved the figurative shooting of fish in a barrel. He particularly enjoyed slaying animals; he slaughtered, beheaded or impaled hundreds of lions, tigers, ostriches and elephants. He did not die in the Stadium yet we remember him as a creepy and unbalanced leader who permitted the downfall of Rome through Pride and Selfishness.

Two things to remember: people remember your death much more than your life, and money buys crazy.

(Pictured: Jules Verne's "around the World in 80 Days": source of rich-balloon fetish - What was found of Fossett and his plane.)

End.