Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Hootenanny!

November 26th 2008 – Gun stores in the Southern United States are one of the few market sectors that have not been affected by the impending economic depression. In fact, gun sales have increased as much as 50% in certain states, to the great joy of gun merchants. This is mostly due, we are told on the BBC news service, to the election of Barack Obama.

The second amendment to the United States constitution states that all American citizens have the right to bear arms. To make a long story short, this was originally included to protect the inhabitants of America from Muslim terrorists. Just kidding, citizens were encouraged to keep weapons in an eventual repeat to the American Revolution.

In the late 17th century, the Americans felt oppressed by their British gouvernment and violently usurped it. To summarize, Americans are always supposed to scrutinize their gouvernment carefully and be able to violently overthrow if they step out of line. Sure it sounds outrageous today but the US constitution is a static document that holds true to tradition, far past what makes it anachronistic or inapplicable in today’s dynamic. Once again in the 1870s, this amendment was greatly useful to Southerners who could easily get their weapons and kill their president (the bearded one who boldly told them they couldn’t have slaves anymore).

Today, the second amendment allows Americans to carry guns and in a few States, to hide them on their person. Furthermore, the term “arms” seems to mean anything that throws a bullet really, REALLY fast. The 50% figure I stated earlier actually applies to the sale of AK-47s (Automatic Russian assault rifles) in Texas in the past few weeks. Some may claim that their guns are for hunting or for personal protection yet all statistics show they are WIDELY more likely to shoot a family member or pet than an intruder or fawn. In fact, the American National Rifle Association is much more straightforward with their justification of massive gun ownership: the constitution says they can so deal with it.

Where does President-elect Obama fit in with all of this? God-fearing southerners are apprehensive that as soon as the Democrats enter office, they will restrain the purchase and ownership of assault rifles. Many bring up that, by their own logic, Americans could purchase and store short-range nuclear missiles and f-16 jet fighters in their chicken coops if the term “arms” is universal. The NRA says that this way of thinking is ridiculous and derogatory yet somehow an Uzi (automatic firearm) and an AK-47 are perfectly normal things for every unbalanced person with a driver’s license to own. Texans and gunowners of the south are seeing the stupidity of this claim without anyone telling them and are running to gun stores as if the red coats were coming.

To a point, I sympathise with these gunowners, some may even call them patriots. These people are the vigilant guards of American democracy who would have never let a president plunge them into an economic nightmare (Hoover and Bush), break electoral law (Nixon), sanction and organise the murder of various world leaders (Reagan) or enter the country into an unjust war against all common sense and international agreements (Bush). I may be being sarcastic but...oh screw it, these patriots will never let a gay sing at the Superbowl halftime show, let Washington outlaw their Malboro fields or let the rest of America elect a Negro. Southern gunowners, TO YOUR LYNCHING TOOLS!

(Note to the American secret service – please note that I have nothing but respect for president-elect Obama, he is a contemporary FDR and Kennedy. I was only demeaning the crazy hillbillies)

(Note to the inhabitants of the Southern Red States – Your traditional and conservative ways are the cornerstone of the American culture. You are much stronger than these democratic pansies and their criticism.)

(Pictured: The American constitution in terrible resolution - A patriot)

End.


Thursday, November 13, 2008

No they can't


November 13th 2008 – The 44th president of the United States of America will be Barack Hussein Obama, an African-American man who seemingly didn’t have a chance in hell in the beginning. 21 months later, not unlike an action movie hero, he has figuratively slain various opponents (John Edwards, Hillary Clinton, Sarah Palin, John McCain, the southern US...) to emerge triumphant of the electoral college. Although the world will praise the Americans for their tolerant foresight and indiscriminate voting, it must be said that President-elect Obama is not without merit. Rarely has a candidate been able to remain eloquent and graceful during an entire campaign without succumbing to negative campaigning, a history of drug use and/or random mistresses. That being said, what can other nations learn from this passionate American experience?


The BBC News Service boldly asks if France would be ready to elect a president of Algerian descent, if the United Kingdom is ready to elect a Prime Minister of Pakistani ancestry or if Germany would elect a Chancellor of Turkish origin. It is a valid question because these countries contain a similar history of colonisation, exploiting minorities and an eventual assimilation of them into their contemporary citizenry as the US has known. The reporter then contacted the foreign minister of France, Bernard Kouchner with this query, understandably expecting a vague answer deflecting the issue. A surprising “non” was thrown at the journalist. The French minister applauds the Americans but affirms that Old Europe, and particularly France, still has a very long road to cross before a non-white President is elected. He calls Obama’s victory inspiring for the French people yet there is too much racism and ethnic repression (privately and publicly) for any of the 3 million Senegalese and Algerian French citizens to accede to any level of government.

As further proof of European backwardness concerning ethnic diversity in their parliaments, the Prime Minister of Italy, Silvio Berlusconi, congratulated Obama last week on his victory by adding: “he is young, fit and has a great suntan”. He subsequently accused world media of being imbeciles when they wouldn’t laugh along with him.

Projecting us into the annals of history, I could definitely mention President Alberto Fujimori who became President of Peru from 1990 to 2000, despite his Japanese ancestry. Unfortunately, it is a quite obscure example and furthermore, his presidency ended in corruption and disgrace so it does not serve my cause very well. No, we will focus on the ancient Roman Empire.

Emperor Trajan (53-117 AD) is recognised for many accomplishments, not the least of which was the maximum extent of the Roman Empire (from Britain to Africa, Portugal to the Middle East). In this universal reign, the Romans were no longer exclusively the denizens of Rome. Being over 7 centuries old, Rome was now its Empire and vice-versa. Peoples had been conquered, colonised or assimilated centuries before and the new generations were de facto, Romans themselves. This universal citizenry was not only wishful theory but an accepted fact. This is how Marcus Ulpius Trajan, born in the Roman province of Hispanica (Modern-day Eastern Spain) became the leader of millions, without ever setting foot in the capital until then.

I will always be the first to call the ancient Romans and Greeks “enlightened” but this gap in time and philosophy is ridiculous. The French foreign minister claims that there are still mentalities to change yet their predecessors had the right idea two millennia ago. Perhaps time is not what Europeans need. Perhaps they either need to stop fostering the racism (officially and by other means) or simply acknowledge it, elect far-right parties and close their borders to immigration.

You are out of time M. Kouchner. It is time for a choice.

Congratulations to America for making yours.

(Pictured: Trajan's column in Rome - President-elect Barack Obama)

End.



Sunday, November 2, 2008

Won't get fooled again?

November 2nd 2008 – U.S. Vice-Presidential candidate (Republican), gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska, has been fooled by French Canada. Famous for tricking heads of states and celebrities, the “masked avengers” are a Montreal-based comedy duo that called Mrs. Palin while imitating French president Nicolas Sarkozy. What Palin thought was a private conversation with the leader of France was aired on radio networks in French Canada and undoubtedly in the rest of the world soon enough. Palins’ glaring inexperience shone through once again as she acknowledged Steph Carse as the Prime minister of Canada (he is a country singer from the 90s, Stephen Harper is the current PM) and she subsequently remained befuddled and mute when the comedian evoked further talk of foreign policy. Finally, it could be debated that Mrs. Palin either has a good and trusting heart or else that she is not very smart for not picking up on subtle clues that this was not a head of state. These hints include the comedian saying "I just love killing those animals. Mmm, mmm, take away life, that is so fun," as well as "I'd really love to go [hunting], so long as we don't bring along Vice-President [Dick] Cheney." And finally "You know we have a lot in common also, because ... from my house I can see Belgium."

This week, a short comparison could easily be brought up with the republican presidential candidate in 2000, one George W. Bush. The problem is that for all his stuttering, difficulty pronouncing names and mediatised portrayal as a retarded squirrel, President Bush knew stuff. Sure he would take four or five shots at saying Serbia’s president was Vojislav Koštunica but he could definitely point to Serbia on a map and remembered meeting this individual before during his years of work in Washington. No, a more appropriate historical comparison would include the democratic vice-presidential nominee in the 1984 general elections.

Walter Mondale, Jimmy Carter’s vice-President, won the democratic nomination that year (over Jesse Jackson and John Glenn I might add). He was up against Ronald Reagan and his VP, George H. W. Bush; everyone said the democrats would lose after a long stint at the White House but Mondale wanted to prove them wrong. To win, he thought he would need a stunt, a shocking story, an unavoidable elephant in the room. He chose Geraldine Ferraro as a running mate. Sure she had only been in politics for six years and was an established law enforcement officer (Special Victims Unit) before that, what was important was that she had no external genitalia. They would figuratively put her in a cage, sell tickets and shout “step right up!” At first it worked, human rights groups, women’s associations and everyone that didn’t want to be labelled sexist praised his choice and their polling numbers started rising. Then, people started realising that no matter if the person is a woman, man, latino, dwarf, paraplegic or albino transsexual, they needed to be able to do the job. Pardon my saying so but Geraldine Ferraro and Sarah Palin are not in the running to be the winner of an edgy reality show, they actually have to govern a nation of 300 million as well as the largest economy and armed forces on the planet if they survive tribal council. If this actually was a walk-in interview kind of position, I seriously doubt that the job application would list “must not have a penis” as an important hiring criterion. But I digress... As a result, the Reagan/Bush ticket won in a landslide and Ferraro, the first woman to be on a major party ticket, went down in history as the woman who didn’t know how to campaign, constantly had her foot in her mouth and was generally overwhelmed by the demands of her potential job.

Unfortunately for Mrs. Palin, she will be remembered as the second to fit that description.

Have a good election and remember that it’s not about the issues or the qualifications; it’s about voting for a black guy or a woman.

(Pictured: The Mondale/Ferrero ticket and yes, it was the eighties - Sarah Palin joined by fellow woman, Hillary Clinton)

End.